Happy International Women’s Day!

Lyrics:

[Verse 1] Happy Women’s Day, the logos all went pink, The boardroom found a hashtag and a brand-new way to wink, They posted, “You are powerful,” then went back by the hour To paying women eighty-two percent of what they call “girl power.”

[Verse 2] To the business queens and grandmas, all the rebels and the moms, The daughters, nieces, aunties, cosmic matriarchal bombs, To every woman holding up this wobbly human show, While answering forty emails ‘bout whose yogurt had to go.

[Pre-Chorus] ‘Cause humanity’s a bird, and that bird should really soar, But one wing’s doing CrossFit while the other mops the floor, One wing writes the minutes, packs the lunches, calms the room, The other says, “Great teamwork, gang,” then vanishes in Zoom.

[Chorus] We’re a two-winged bird, baby, tryin’ to leave the ground, But you can’t fly straight when one side’s run ragged down, So raise her up, pay her right, let her voice be heard, Or we’re all goin’ down with this one-winged bird.

[Verse 3] And men don’t reach “new heights” alone, let’s say the quiet part, We mostly flap in circles and confuse that noise with art, Cryin’ “meritocracy!” while Jeff’s nephew gets the job, ‘Cause somehow being mediocre is a trait we learn to laud.

[Verse 4] Todd repeats what Karen said, but lower and more slow, And suddenly it’s “brilliant, sir, what vision, what a pro,” She’s “not assertive” Friday, he’s “a leader” by next week, Apparently a baritone is all it takes to sound unique.

[Pre-Chorus] And no, it’s not empowerment to post a stock-photo grin, Of diverse women laughing while the same old boys cash in, If you want innovation and a world that doesn’t burn, Then maybe let the women speak instead of cutting in your turn.

[Chorus] We’re a two-winged bird, baby, tryin’ to leave the ground, But you can’t fly straight when one side’s run ragged down, So raise her up, pay her right, let her voice be heard, Or we’re all goin’ down with this one-winged bird.

[Bridge] Equal pay, equal say, what a radical surprise, Turns out basic fairness is not civilization’s demise, Hire her, trust her, let her lead the room, Or enjoy your Ikea shelf of progress meeting sudden doom.

And if that metaphor still feels a little too absurd, Just think season eight of Game of Thrones, but as a bird.

[Final Chorus] We’re a two-winged bird, baby, strong on either side, That’s how the whole damn world gets farther, faster, higher, wide, So thank the women, back the women, let that truth be heard, There’s no future worth a thing without the other winged bird.

[Outro] So here’s to every woman keeping history from cracking, While certain dudes named Todd confuse replying with “proactive,” Less empty posts, more change, that’s the lesson we inferred— Long live the women. Save the bird.

Based on a feminist satire piece I wrote in 2025: The one day a year where companies remember that women exist and scramble to post something vaguely empowering before going back to paying them 82 cents on the dollar.

So today, I want to acknowledge all women—everywhere. Businesswomen, stay-at-home moms, working mothers, grandmothers, great-grandmothers, daughters, granddaughters, nieces, aunts, great-aunts, great-great-aunts, time-traveling matriarchs, cosmic goddesses of wisdom, women who somehow remember what book I was reading when we first met on BART back in 2005—you get the idea.

Because here’s the thing: humanity? We’re a two-winged bird. And right now, one wing is jacked, bench-pressing 300 pounds, and the other has been forced to lift twice as much while also handling child-rearing, emotional labor, and a 42-email-long thread about who left dirty dishes in the office sink. (It was Todd. It’s always Todd.)

And let’s be real—us men aren’t “flying to new heights” without women. We’re flapping in circles like idiots, squawking about “meritocracy” while we hire Jeff’s barely competent nephew to a senior role because “he’s a great culture fit.”

Which is why equity isn’t just a “nice idea.” It’s basic aerodynamics. You want progress? You want innovation? You want civilization to not collapse like a poorly built Ikea shelf? Then both wings need to be equally strong. (Or, in simpler terms: support women, or enjoy watching the world crash and burn like season 8 of Game of Thrones.)

And no, this doesn’t mean just posting about “empowered women empowering women” and calling it a day. It means actual change. Equal pay. Equal say. Less “we’d love to promote her but she’s just not ‘assertive’ enough” while Todd gets promoted for his groundbreaking ability to restate what Karen just said, but with a deeper voice.

It means seeing every woman for who she is—leaders, mothers, rebels, innovators, warriors, artists, survivors, teachers, and the undisputed architects of civilization.

So today, instead of a lukewarm post with a stock photo of “diverse businesswomen laughing around a conference table,” maybe do something real. Hire them. Pay them fairly. Listen. Maybe even thank them for keeping this fragile civilization from collapsing under the weight of our own hubris.